Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Blessed Are Those That...

I went to bed mad last night.  Ok, maybe not mad... but pouting for sure. For some reason, I'm just really emotional right now... and every little thing hurts my feelings.  Even things that others have no control over, which I know is just plain crazy... but welcome to my mind.

So as I lay there in the dark, squeezing my eyes shut so I wouldn't really be crying, I thought about grace and how I am unable to give it.  Grace, how I open my arms wide to accept it, but don't allow it to permeate into me.  How it's crazy to think that I will ever be able to get it right. 

As many of you know, I'm a faithful follower of Ann Voskamp's blog A Holy Experience.  She speaks the truth and more than once she's had a word for my soul... the kind that makes you breathe deep and draw it into  your very essence.  Last  year, she memorized the Sermon on the Mount, and was challenging others to do some memory work this year, either the Romans project she's participating in (if you've never read Romans... it's good stuff.) or something else that spoke to them.  I thought about it, and prayed about it... and decided that this year I wanted to memorize the Sermon on the Mount... Matthew 5-7.  If I'm ever going to get this grace thing right, I've got to get more Jesus in me, and here it is, in red letters in my Bible.

So back to last night... I'm laying there, eyes squeezed shut, curled up into a ball because you know when you're pouting you have to pretend you only have an inch of bed space, and those words started running through my head.

"And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain, and when he was set there, his disciples came up unto him..." Jesus got a little tired of people, too.  Sometimes,  He just wanted to be with his main peeps. Maybe that will always be part of my conflict with Wallace... he's just so much an extrovert, and I'm not.  Jesus was an extrovert, too... but sometimes he just wanted to be alone. Deep breath... fighting back the tears...

"And opening his mouth, he began to teach, saying..." Most of the time when my mouth is opened, it's not for teaching. It's for screaming, or griping, or attacking. So maybe some of this is my fault after all... another deep breath... the tears run down just a little...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God. Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted.  Blessed is the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.  Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

Blessed... happy... blessed.  It just kept running through my mind... kind of like big neon lights flashing.   Merciful. Meek.  Pure in heart.  Add in mine... those who forgive.  Those who bite their tongue.  Those who give in...

So I roll over.  The tears are still gathered up in the corner of my eyes, but I'm ready to give grace.  Just a little, and maybe not for long... but isn't it better to be blessed than not?  Oh, Lord, help me.  Your grace is sufficient.

And if the scriptures aren't exactly right, please give grace.  They're from my memory... and now I have to head to class ;-)

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