Control

Wednesday.  I lectured today, then ran home to change clothes and head back to town, ride on a big yellow limo to a basketball game.  Tomorrow, I'll work all day, somehow hopefully put in some treadmill time, then head to another basketball game.  After the game, it's to the funeral home for one of our ball girls Grandpas.  Friday, repeat, except there will probably be a funeral in there, work, ballgame, funeral home for another of our ballgirls Papaws.  Saturday, ballgame, funeral, laundry...

No, I'm not trying to make you pity me.  The sad thing is, sometimes I resent all of this running around.  Now don't get me wrong.  I don't ever resent my ballgirls.  I love them like they are my own.  And I don't resent my job, because I truly love it.  The one thing that I resent is in weeks like this one, I feel out of control... which is scary for a control freak like me. As I'm writing this, I'm singing in my head, "Control...to get what I want.  Control.... I got to have a lot.  Control... now I'm all grown up." from Janet Jackson. Now there's a flashback. 

I'm reading Let. It. Go. by Karen Ehman, and the first two chapters have hit the nail on the head.  I needed to take that self-evaluation and see that I border on being manipulative. I have never thought of myself as being manipulative, but now that it's in black and white in front of me, I can see it.  I pout when I don't get my way.  I'm passive aggressive.  I'm at times an enabler.  I'm a martyr, taking on the world and then "dying" inside for the cause.  All in an effort to maintain control. 

And when I can't be in control, woe to the world and all around me.  I become angry.  I lash out.  I lose it.

The good news is, I'm recognizing it.  I'm also taking small steps to help me stay in control.  As I said last night, starting out in His Word.  Being in His Word throughout the day.  Focusing on one day at a time... one thing at a time.

Chapter 2 of the book talked about simplicity, or our lack of, in today's present world. I'm reminded of how out of control it makes me feel when my cell phone beeps at an email notification. You'd think that having the world at my fingertips would help me feel in control, but it only makes me worse... because I see all this stuff that I need to do and people I need to answer. 

And then there's Facebook.  I love facebook.  I post verses and encouraging messages and posts to my blogs there.  I lead an online Bible study group, and participate in several other Bible study groups... and stay in touch with old and new friends.  It's a great tool... but can lead me into feeling out of control when I look up and see that I've wasted two hours.  And also when I compare myself to others, which is easy to do!

So, this week, I'm going to do better.  When I get on there to play games, or when I'm not working in my Bible study group, fifteen minutes, max. As in set a timer.  And sign off when it goes off... we'll see.

One other point Karen made talked about Glorifying God.  When I'm trying to be control, I'm trying to take all of the glory... and I don't want to do that.  I want to make Him famous, through me.  Through my actions. Through my love. Through every thing I do for Him. 

So, I think in this blog post I've summarized all three options for this blog hop =) Sorry it was so long... but I had a lot on my mind.  And this is my blog... so I'm in control.  Ha, ha. 

"Together we'll learn to discover a crucial life skill: how to control what we should and trust God with what we can't." - Karen Ehman.  I'm ready.