Quick FMF Linkup

 I'm out of shape... bad. 

Spring 2023 didn't lend itself to much exercise, as I was going from one place to another and as pretty much gone from home from daylight to dark. I know that doesn't stop other people, but I"m not other people, and I'm learning to accept somethings about myself, such as the fact that I am not a 5 AM treadmill walker... 

so this means that when I first started walking again in May... I was sllllooooowwww. 

And also puttered out easily. 

I am a quitter by nature, and this slowness and puttering out made me want to just stop and curl up in my chair and read...

Reading comes easily to me. It always has. I wish I could lose weight and get into shape by reading. 

What I am discovering in my "old" middle age of 43, though, is that things that used to come easy don't. 

It takes me much longer to read a book than it did. 

Much longer to walk a mile than it did. 

But maybe that's a good thing...

because when you're savoring a good story it just means more. 

And when you're walking and looking up at the sky and listening to the creek and feeling the breeze on your cheek it's about more than just a physical walk. 

Slow and steady wins the race, so I'll settle for not being too QUICK most days. 

After all, any progress beats going backward. 

*Linking up with Five Minute Friday, where a community of writers chooses a theme word and writes about that word for five minutes, no editing, no changes, no over-thinking. This week's theme was QUICK. 

Where I've Been

 It's been quiet around these parts. 

I've got a lot of words, but putting them together in a way that may make sense might be a little hard. 

I've been working and doing clinical and then in late July the world in my part of the country seemed to stop turning. 

Two months later, here I am, feeling behind and generally overwhelmed. 

Today I slept until noon. It was the first day that I had nothing to do. I don't say that to make me seem important, because some of those days were full of fun things, but I've not had much white space. 

Too much activity can be deadening to the soul, and I was feeling it. 

Even as I found myself thinking more about God, I found myself not taking the time that I needed to hear from Him. 

I kept asking Him to show Himself, but my brain was too busy going in a million directions to pay much attention. 

So after I woke up this morning, even though my to do list was long, I forced myself to just. be. still. 

I read. I watched a couple of sessions in a Bible study. I ate dinner with my husband and took a long, hot bubble bath and took another nap... which is why I'm sitting here at midnight wide awake. 

So much for a good sleep schedule. 

I have spent most of my life trying to do... to achieve... to prove myself worthy... and it's exhausting. Maybe you feel it, too? 

So today, as I was reflecting, I allowed myself time to just breathe. 

One of my favorite reflection tools is a journal developed by Emily Freeman based on her book, The Next Right Thing. One of the questions there today was: where do you feel most yourself? 

As I thought of these past few months, I realized that I'm learning to like myself a little more, just as I am. I'm becoming more transparent in my flaws. I'd like to think that helps other people. 

But where I feel most like myself is when I am sharing myself in words. 

So I realized I needed to start doing that again. Sure, I post on social media, but I need to commit to it. 

Because my words matter... and I truly feel that it's my gift. I can get so caught up in what other people are doing. We all have our own gifts. We all can do different things. I'm not organized and I'm not a leader... but I can write words that sometimes make connections and make others feel and think about where they are. 

So, I'm back. I'm sure life will get crazy and I'll be quiet again, but for my sanity this is something I need to do. I hope you'll join me for whatever that looks like. 

Tuesday Tidbits, Vol 2, Ed 5

 We've made it to February 1st. The days are starting to get a little longer, and today I even walked outside, in the sunshine, in a pair of capris...

but we're being told that kind of weather isn't going to last long. 

Ice is in the future, and I'm trying not to dwell on it. 

So today, I put one foot in front of the other and looked to the sun. 

Today I sat down and wrote out some mantras for this month. Things like deep breathing, living in the moment, embracing the interruptions...

I struggle with all of those things. 

I can't make myself better, but I can try each day to hold on to the glimpses of improvement. 

February is American Heart Month. One of my goals is to exercise more and try to cut back on my stress eating.

Books I read

This week I finished Prepare Him Room. I really enjoyed this Christmas devotional, mostly because it centered on reading through the book of Luke, so the end of this book centers around the Passover and the Crucifixion and the Resurrection... all things that we don't tend to think about at Christmas but are important to consider. 

I read a total of 16 books in January. Completed Genesis and Job in my Bible reading. Wrote every day in my one line a day journal. Organized some of my books and some of my digital pictures (it's a start). Definitely some room for improvement in February. 

Tuesday Tidbits, Vol 2 Edition 4

 Life hacks- those of you tech savvy people probably already know this. Me, I sometimes struggle with turning on a computer, so... 

If you are trying to "save" a website, you can click "print" and then "save as pdf" and you have a document. This came in handy uploading the documents into my promotion notebook that I'd put off for months...

If you have too many audio books or podcasts to listen to, play them on a higher speed. Unless you enjoy listening to the reader. Case in point, I've been listening to some of my podcasts on 1.25 speed, until I turned on my friend Emily Freeman today and I was reminded that one of the reasons I like to listen to that podcast is because I like her calm, soothing voice... so I slowed it down. 

Wordle- I'm obsessed. Ok, maybe not obsessed, but I am enjoying this game. 

Lighting a candle helps make the day better. 

22 for 22- 

-Walk a 5K for a charity once a month. I've only got 6 days left this month... so I'm hoping for warmer weather on Saturday. Or Sunday. 

-Organize my phone photos. I started out doing good with this. I downloaded the Amazon app and uploaded all of my photos there. The plan is to do this once a month, and then eventually sort them into folders. This just hasn't been on the priority list this month. 

-Use my one-line a day journal- I've been doing this. Recording something that made me smile, or made me sad, or just something I did. Thoughts I had. Bible verse I read. Just something to help me remember the moment. 

Tuesday Tidbits on the blog- 4/4 on Tuesdays in January =) Also a goal of writing every day... journaling, writing, instagram posts, etc. I've also been meeting with a couple of fellow writers each Wednesday and it is delightful. 

What I've Read This Week

1. The First Songs of Christmas- another devotional book I took my time with. 

2. Crying in H Mart- This memoir about a daughter dealing with the loss of her mother is a delightful read. Enjoyed reading about another culture and how she navigates both her American traditions along with her mother's Korean ones. Much enjoyed. 

Next week will be February- here's to the long, dark shortest month of winter... but summer is coming =) 

Tuesday Tidbits, Vol 2, Ed. 3

 News in the Bates house this week: 

Caleb tested positive for COVID. He's doing ok, just tired with a headache, but this leaves me working from home. It's funny how we've been in this "new" normal for almost two years and it still seems like we are living in a dream. I'm not sure we'll ever go back to "normal" again... but I know so many of us are just getting tired of it. My thoughts and prayers are with all my healthcare friends. 

My classes started at EKU. This is my first semester doing clinical... and it's been a little overwhelming. My courses are 8 week courses. I wasn't prepared for how much work I'd have... even though I knew it. Guess I've been living in denial. 

I've been thinking a lot about distraction and multi-tasking and productivity and focus... probably because I don't have any focus and am not feeling very productive or motivated at the moment. More on that later, I'm sure. 

Books I Read This Week: 

A short list. 

1. The Heart Between Us- About a bucket list, a set of twins who have grown apart, and how they find one another and themselves. A great read! Highly enjoyed!

2. The House of Kennedy- It's James Patterson, who I enjoy. And Camelot, that I'm obsessed with. And details about ALL the Kennedy family. Two thumbs up

Take care of yourself. Don't take yourself too seriously, either! Much love! 

Tuesday Tidbits, Vol 2, Ed. 2

 #22for2022 continued...

-Get my passport/Real ID. 

I want to travel more. I'm not sure in this COVID world that it's possible. I don't know about you, but the thought of getting on a plane right now makes me nervous... but I'm going to get it so that I'll be ready. 

-Watch a movie every month. 

I had originally thought I wanted this to be an older movie, a classic, if you will, that I've never seen. There's a lot of them out there... but then I realized that just because it's a classic, it doesn't mean I'll like it... but I do want to watch a movie at least once a month. I love going to movie theatres, but we have so many options with streaming services as well. I guess what I like about movie theatres is the atmosphere. I don't look at my phone, I'm not tempted to get on my computer and work, and I'm devoted to the movie in front of me. I'm learning that in our world today, distraction is the enemy and we can't NOT multitask... but when we do multitask, we are never really in the moment... even if the moment is an imaginary setting. So I guess this is more about escapism, or being present... or a combination of the two, which seems like somewhat of an oxymoron. 

-Complete a puzzle every month. 

I'm not sure this is feasible. I see people on social media posting about how quickly they've put together these huge puzzles and that's just not realistic for me. I find this hard. It's hard for my brain. I have to concentrate, and as I think we've established, I'm not good at that.... 

but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. 

and hard things, different activities, are good for your brain. 

-Record three things I'm grateful for each day. 

I've tried doing this different ways over the years. This year, there's a box in my planner so in my nightly reflection/planning for the next day, I take a couple of minutes to jot these down. I tend to focus on the same things over and over. I want to be more aware of small things, things I don't always consider. I'm hoping as I make this more of a habit that will come. 

Thought for your week-

Just because it's good for somebody, doesn't mean it's good for you. We are all different. A "must see" show or book may not be a must see for you. A "diet" that works for somebody else may not be what your body needs. Somebody's "master" organization plan may just leave you in chaos, confusion, and overwhelm. Figure out what works for you, and let the other stuff go. 

Books I Read 

I really wanted to post a book stack each week, but only one of these is an actual book format.. the others are on my Kindle or audiobooks... so this will have to do. 

1. Walk to Beautiful

2. The Dummy Line

3. Sole Survivor- do you remember a serial killer that attacked two UK students back in the late 90s? I didn't... but this is her story, and it's fascinating. 

4. D is for Deadbeat

5. The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency

6. The Music of Christmas

7. When Christmas Comes

8. God Hears Her: A Joyful Christmas

None of these were started in 2022. The Christmas ones were started on December 1. Each have daily devotions. I don't read them every day, obviously. I skip around and try to read at least one devotion a day from some Christmas devotion book... but continue them on into the new year... because Christmas really isn't just about one day a year, anyway. 

Be blessed, friends. <3

Tuesday Tidbits, Volume 2, Ed. 1

 Happy 2022! I've been quiet around here as the end of the semester got crazy...

but it's a new year, and while I'm the same old me, I do want to keep working on my writing. 

I didn't set any resolutions this year. I did create a 22 for 2022 list as recommended by the Gretchen Rubin podcast. A few of my goals this year (I'll focus on a few each Tuesday). 

1. Organize my books and create a catalog. I had reached the point where I didn't even know what books I had in my bookshelf, and instead of bringing me joy it was making me anxious, so I pulled out all my books and sorted them alphabetically. I still need to go through and make a list of what books I have, and then I'll go through my Amazon wishlist and delete any books that are already in my possession =)

Another thing I found was that I had 50+ books on my "currently reading" list on Goodreads. Some of these were print books, some on my kindle, some Bible studies I had abandoned... so I deleted them all and will add as I read. Seeing that many titles made me anxious that I'd never get any finished. 

2. This is on down on my list, but since we're talking books, my goal is to read 120 books this year. I read 100 last year, not quite my goal of 150, but I read fairly large books, so that's ok. I've started listening to some books on audio. I don't like fiction books in that manner but a good memoir read by the author is enjoyable. 

3. Another goal that has to do with reading- "read" the Bible through again. I'm using the Bible Recap plan on Youversion, which is a Chronological plan. Again, I like that app because it will read the Bible to you. I usually do this first thing in the morning as I'm getting ready or driving to work. Since the first, I've been taking a few minutes to jot down where I see God and reflect on what I hear. There's a podcast that goes along with it and also a book that is pretty much a summary of what she says in the podcast, so each day if I do all of that I'm engaging in the Word in three different ways... which is a good way to learn. 

4. Visit 3 state parks I haven't been to. 

5. Visit 12 Kentucky counties I haven't been to. 

6. The year of CS Lewis- a book a month. This month I'll be reading The Screwtape Letters. I haven't started it yet. 

My word of the year is worship. I realized I needed to stop making everything about me, because I can't change me... and start making it about God. I had been thinking of this word for a while and then saw this video on facebook after the Western Kentucky tornado and I knew worship was my word. More on that to come...

Books I've Read this week: 

One of the bad things about not reading all physical books is you don't get the joy of a bookstack... so this will have to do. 

1. Greenlights- I listened to on audible. The author narrated it and it was pure pleasure to listen to his smooth voice. There was some pretty heavy language in parts, but it was a sweet story and I jotted down tons of quotes from his "prescriptions" and "greenlights". 

2. Station Eleven- this is a new series out so I wanted to read the book first. It's one of the best books I've read in a really long time. Not the best situation to think about in light of COVID, but the characters are weaved together so good and it kept me engaged. 

Hope you've had a great start to the New Year. May you be blessed all year long. I'll try to be more consistent in writing this year and I hope you'll join me for my random thoughts. Love y'all! 

LIght

 I've been feeling depressed off and on for a while now. 

I've never been officially diagnosed with depression, but I can always tell a change in my moods based on the seasons, and while I love the fall, I also can feel myself spiraling as we get closer to dreaded wintertime. 

I love sunlight. I love the feel of it on my skin, the warm glow of the blue skies in the brightness. 

Life has been tough for many of the people I love the past few years. 

I've learned more about mental illness than I thought I'd ever know, and have even felt inspired to try to make a difference in the lives of others. I still have a year or so to go before I complete my Psych Mental Health Nurse Practitioner certification (I have to pass this semester, first... and it's been a struggle!)

Recently I was listening to a podcast featuring Dolly Parton. She was talking about when she left the Porter Wagner show, and how she wrote "I Can See the Light of a Clear Blue Morning". 

That how I feel right now. I've been in a good place the last few weeks. I'm always hesitant to say that, because I live in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I've realized that I'm focusing more on the light. 

Thanking Jesus that He is the Light of the World, and that His mercies are new every morning, so the light of a clear blue morning really can be realized. 

Think

"As a man thinks, so he is..."

A great quote with lots of truth to it. 

I just wish I lived it out more... because let's face it. A lot of what I think isn't the best. 

I often judge myself for "stupid" things I do or "stupid" things I say, reliving moments over and over. 

I often judge others when I don't know the whole story. 

Too many times I open my mouth and spill out what I'm thinking, even if it isn't beneficial to anyone. 

The Bible tells us to transform by the renewing of your mind.. by changing the way you think. Philippians tells us to "think on" what is lovely and pure and true...

yet how often does my mind go in the complete opposite direction? 

I've really been thinking...

a lot about thinking. 

When I catch myself being my own worst critic, I've been trying to stop and pause and clear my head. 

I've been journaling my thoughts, and trying to clear out the negative. 

I don't want to be a Pollyanna (I don't know if I even know what Pollyanna does. I just know she's associated with rose-colored glasses, you might say)...

I know we have to be realistic...

but we also have to give one another the benefit of the doubt. 

We have to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. 

By pausing and holding our thoughts up to what we know to be true. 

And even if some days we have no idea what is even really true, we can pause to see if what we are thinking is really beneficial. 

If it's not... nip it in the bud. 

Always

One thing that I tell my nursing students is to never think in terms of absolutes. 

Every patient is an individual, with individual experiences, and their bodies adapt differently. Just when you think you've got a care plan perfect, something will happen to throw a wrench in it. 

I don't know why I don't practice what I preach...

because my mind often thinks in terms of absolutes. 

As in...

"You ALWAYS are late."

"You ALWAYS put your foot in your mouth."

"Why are you ALWAYS so socially awkward?"

"Why are you ALWAYS a disappointment?"

"Quitting is ALWAYs your way out."

You get the picture...

The truth is, I am a creature of habit, and some of those habits are not good. I do often skimp on exercise. I do often sleep late. I do often procrastinate...

but not ALWAYS. 

This all or nothing mentality has been my downfall in many things. 

I love to plan. Love goal setting. Love to think of how I'm going to improve myself (ha, ha!) 

And then... I miss a day of exercise. Miss a day of whatever "habit" I'm tracking and then... I ALMOST ALWAYS fall off the wagon. 

Today, I had planned my day. I knew I had class from 930-330. I knew I had some things I needed to do for work tomorrow. I knew I had Bible study. I also knew that I wasn't going to be able to walk many days this week, so I planned a walk. 

Here's an absolute for you...

when I plan my "to do" list, I always overestimate how quickly I can get things done... and that really is something that is an always. I never finish with time to spare. So, tonight, I had worked on a couple of assignments after work, and didn't account for having to change clothes before my walk. Nor did I think about having to grab something to eat. 

So, I went to the park and walked... and only got in 1.5 miles before it started raining... which meant I quit about 10 minutes earlier than I had planned... which meant I got in line at Wendy's with just enough time to grab a bite to eat and slide into a seat at church as they were starting the readings. 

So, perfect timing... but that surely doesn't always happen. 

Tonight, I'll just be thankful it worked out and roll with it. =) 

Path

 I love hiking. 

It's one of the places where I feel closest to God.

Standing in the forest, sunlight filtered by the tall trees, there's an ethereal feeling. 

As I hike, I often miss out with what is around me, because I tend to watch my feet. I've been tripped up by tree roots one too many times, so even though I know that as I gaze directly in front of me, I'm often not seeing the blooming flowers or ferns or greenery... I can't take my eyes away from the path ahead of me. 

I also like a path. 

What I mean by that statement is simple. I'm not one of those hikers who likes to go "off the beaten path". 

Several years ago, when we were hiking more frequently, we would often venture on more difficult trails that weren't trodden down by larger groups of people. While we usually ended up seeing some great scenery on those trails, I didn't enjoy making my own path. 

I guess that's kind of how I am in real life, too. I don't like to blaze a way. I don't like change and don't consider myself a leader, so you'll not find me trying things that haven't been done before. 

In one way, that is smart... cautious... safe....

but is life supposed to be safe? 

Maybe we aren't necessarily supposed to make our own path... rather, we are to look to the path that is laid out before us. We're told in Scripture not to look to the right or the left... eyes straight ahead... just like me when I'm hiking... although I don't think we're to keep our eyes on our feet. 

Rather, we are to look to Jesus... the author and finisher of our faith. He forged every path for us, and He's still walking with us. 

Let's keep walking, friend. 

Still

I'm cheating, writing this one a day late...

Yesterday morning as I was driving to work I looked over and the moon caught my eye. Most days I miss the sunrise, because I like to sleep as late as I can, but the sky is usually still a quiet blue when I head into work. 

There's a spot on the left-hand side of the road heading into town, just past Hwy 52, where you can glance over and see between two hills. The moon was suspended in the sky, a pale silverish color still visible in the sky. Hovering just beneath, a wispy white fog... but it was underneath the moon... kind of like a table cover aligning the sky. 

My breath caught. Even as I was driving, I felt my heart be still. There was something so peaceful about that fog, the moon suspended, the light of the sun just beginning to appear over the mountains. 

Sometimes, we need to pause... to reflect... to still ourselves. To allow ourselves to fully appreciate and experience all that is around us. 

Being still is hard for so many of us... but I'm reminded that even the moon, that appeared to be just hanging suspended in the sky, still, isn't really still. The earth is constantly spinning, the moon constantly pulling, everything in motion... 

but there is a center of gravity that holds it all together. If that imbalance were to change, life as we know it would change. The earth would tilt on its axis and who knows what would really happen...

We must find our center of gravity, as well, so that even as we spin in the chaos, we can be still, spiritually. His name is Jesus. 

"Be still and know that I am God..." 

Afraid

 Last night my Pastor talked about perfect love casting out fear. 

I never considered myself afraid of things growing up, at least that I can remember. I never was afraid of the dark, I loved to climb trees and romp outside, and love roller coasters. Public performing didn't really phase me, either... one time a waitress gave ME  a tip for my impromptu belting of "Tomorrow" from Annie. 

As I got older, though, I became more afraid... more afraid of things that I didn't even really understand. Abstract thoughts, irrational things.. 

In the sermon last night, the point was made that fear didn't come until after the fall. Adam and Eve were in perfect harmony with God- perfectly loved- so they didn't have to be afraid of anything, and then, as soon as they realized their nakedness, they hid because they were ashamed... and maybe a little afraid. 

Afraid they would be seen. Afraid they would be found out. 

Aren't we most afraid when we feel vulnerable? 

When we start loving ourselves, though, and accepting God's love, we don't have to be afraid. 

We can cast all of our cares on Him. 

He's bigger than the boogey-man, in case it's been a while since you've watched Veggie Tales. 

This doesn't mean that we can throw caution into the wind. We are to fear some things... the Bible tells us that the beginning of wisdom comes from fearing the Lord. 

Wisdom is a precious commodity these days... 

maybe because we are all afraid of the wrong things. 

Taste

 Today I had lunch at my desk as I frantically typed scenarios for skills checkoffs to be completed right after lunch. I always seem like I'm only one step ahead... if even one step. 

As I snacked on my nuggets and fries, dragging a french fry through ketchup and praying I didn't drop it on my white scrub top, I thought of how often I rush through things. 

Not just food, although I honestly do... eating on the run has just been a fact of life, dating back to dinner on the bleachers in a gym. And being a nurse, wolfing down whatever I could find that I liked in the cafeteria that could be eaten in 10 minutes before I had to go pick up another bag of blood or do another assessment or help take a patient off the bedpan (thank you, cafeteria staff, and nurse aides, and all those in the hospital that we can't do our jobs without!) 

Yes, I rush through experiences, always waiting for the next one. 

Rush through books because I want to check them off my list. 

Rush through time with family because... well, I have so much more to do. Not that family isn't important. They are THE MOST IMPORTANT... I just don't always treat them as such. 

When we wolf down our food, we don't give our salivary glands time to register the taste. I've honestly eaten before and realized when I was finished that I didn't taste anything... and it wasn't because my taste wasn't working. It's because I hadn't experienced it. 

There's something else that happens, too, when we eat too fast. We don't ever know when we are full, because we don't give our brain time to catch up to our body, and we just keep stuffing, and stuffing. 

If we take time to slow down and fully appreciate, we get a full sensation. 

And, again, that just doesn't apply to eating. When we pause to taste the joys of life... stop to smell the roses, if you will...

we realize how satisfied we can be. 

"Taste and see that the Lord is good." 

Effort

 Ever  heard the saying, "If she didn't breathe naturally, she'd never breathe?"

Sometimes I think that relates to me. 

I'm embarrassed to say it... but I have a lazy streak in me. 

As a kid, I much rather would have been sitting with my nose stuck in a book than do chores. I helped with the laundry, with straightening up my room, with dusting and vacuuming, but as soon as I could I was planted in another world. 

My Dad raised pumpkins and strawberries some summers growing up. We helped with the weeding and the harvesting, although I'm not sure how much help I actually was. Mostly I just complained about how hot it was and how sweaty I was and how I was getting "ate up by bugs" and was sure to get "bit by a snake". 

I complained because it was work. 

Work takes effort. 

From what I know of the Enneagram, I'm a 9, which means that it is far too easy for me to become a sloth. I hear those 9/s don't like conflict, despite what our husbands say, and part of how we avoid conflict is just by not putting in the effort. 

All my life, I've been a procrastinator. (Seriously, all my life. My Mom was in labor for a looooonngg time and I was still stubborn and had to be born via c-section. I've been late ever since). 

Mostly, though, I procrastinate on things I'm afraid will be difficult to do, or things that I think will take a lot of effort. 

Anything worth doing is worth putting effort into, right? 

Except how do we decide what is actually worth doing? 

In economics, there's something called a cost/benefit ratio. (Maybe. If there isn't, there should be, because it sounds good. Made YOU think I knew what I was talking about... unless your an economist. If so, sorry!) There's also some kind of formula that helps you determine a profit margin- what you're going to make when it is all said and done. 

When we're deciding if something is worth the effort, that's what we have to look at. How much is it going to cost us- not monetarily, but energy wise. Time wise. Are we going to have say no to something else? 

Then, what are we going to get out of ti? What's the benefit to us? 

And finally- is there going to be a profit? 

Oddly enough, these numbers can all relate back to money, but that's not what I'm talking about here. The greatest things, those things that are truly worth the most effort, really sometimes don't pay off. 

Relationships are hard. 

People are petty. 

But ultimately, people should be the priority. 

You'll never go wrong putting in an effort to connect with someone. 

Also, self-care... you'll never go wrong putting in an effort to care for yourself. 

YOU have to decide what is important. For me, I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow...

actually, that was Whitney. 

I have decided, though, that my purpose is to glorify God and encourage others. That will take effort, and I won't reap the benefits always... but that's ok. The effort will be worth it. 

Kind

 She sits on a porch swing breaking up beans into her faded apron. She's got a kerchief around her head and her hair is tied up in a bun. She has glasses perched on her sharp nose, and wrinkles so deep that her face looks like a roadmap. Those wrinkles extend into her hand as I watch them break the beans methodically. 

She pushes her foot back and forth as the wind caresses my arm. I'm snuggled up next to her as close as I can get without being in her lap, and still somehow she maintains balance and keeps breaking those beans. The cars fly by on the highway and there is a bird singing in the tree next to the porch. Even as a young child, I close my eyes and drink it in... the feel of sunshine, the taste of popsicle still sweet on my tongue, the feel of the wind blowing my hair, falling loose from the ponytail securing it out of my eyes. 

I rub my hand on her soft skin and listen to her hum softly. We don't have to speak, because the words are there, present just as close as the Holy Spirit. I don't know the song she's humming but it's some hymn, I'm sure, a silent prayer and praise to the One who created her and the beans and the wind and the sky and the tree and me... 

I open my eyes and glance up into her face, drinking in her smile as she puts the white plastic tupperware bowl onto the gray concrete porch. The dog lazily stretches on the rug in front of the door, lolling his tongue and following her movements with his eyes. She leans over and pats him on the head as she opens the door, and beckons for me to follow her. 

Just an ordinary day.... mundane, every day activities lived sacrificially for those she loved. 

Her dark brown eyes behind her large plastic framed glasses twinkle among the wrinkles, and in this moment, I see the epitome of someone who is "kind." 

Trust

 Today I stood in the middle of a gradually changing cover of green and stared up at a blue sky. It's amazing how much better I breathe in the woods, even as I huff and puff up and down the stairs and hills. As we pulled into the parking lot today and I stepped out, I took a deep exhale. I'm not sure if the soil was loamy or not, but it sure made me think of that word as I moved up the trail. 

Staring up at that blue sky, I felt small, but in a good way. The world often tries to make us feel small in a million ways... that we aren't enough in however you want to define "enough". I've heard that lie, and I've internalized it. I often feel small when comparing my accomplishments to others, which is crazy.

Today as I hiked I thought back to a few years ago, when I was in the best shape of my life and trekking through the woods for 10 miles at a time was nothing. I was short of breath today after 1 mile...

so much heavier than I was back then, but honestly a little lighter in spirit. 

There's a saying that goes the greatest weight you can lose is the burden of carrying the expectations of others, and I'm slowly getting there. 

Often the weight we are carrying isn't even that of realistic expectation... it's what we envision in our mind that others think. 

And honestly, we can't live up to anyone's standards. 

There is always going to be someone prettier... smarter.... more put together... a better cook... a better Mom... you name it...

but friend, here me on this. I don't fully believe it yet, but everyday I'm trying to convince myself. 

Nobody can do you better than you. 

You were put here for a particular purpose, as was I. I'm not sure what mine is yet, and that's been an ongoing struggle. I've been processing through a lot of doubt and questioning, and as the answers slowly begin to rise to the surface, I know that it's a good purpose, and even though I am inherently selfish, I know that purpose is not all about me. 

Trusting God is a lot like hiking. You set out in the woods, on a trail that may or may not be the right one. Your feet get dirty. You may stumble and fall over a tree root. You may lose your breath as you start up a hill...

but He has gone before you and made the crooked paths straight. Often when we stumble or mess up or get turned around or short of breath, it's because we've stopped trusting and have wandered off on our own path. 

I'm notorious for doing this. Something "looks" easier and there go I....

only to be discouraged. 

True trust helps us throw off that weight, though... because He's the One carrying it. 

It's hiking with the best guide, who has all the essentials, and blazes your trail AND packs your water and snacks. 

And when we trust Him, it enables us to feel the best kind of small, just as I did gazing up at those trees today. 

Trust Him, friend, even when you don't know how. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one step at a time... 

Keep hiking. <3

Temporary

 Temporary. 

The picture that brings to mind can be positive or negative. 

If it's something you enjoy, it may make you sad, because you know it won't last. If it's a hard season, it may give you relief, because you can count down until when it is over. 

I don't always like "temporary" because I don't like change. I like to know what to expect, and when something is temporary... well, you don't. You also don't know how or when it may change. 

As I've been writing this month, I've been doing a lot of reflection on these pages about "finding" myself. I've been in a season of struggle for a while now, and while I know in my mind that it is temporary, it hasn't really made it much easier...

but each season of life is hard. Part of what makes it difficult is knowing that no matter what, there will be change. External change, yes...

but also internal change. 

Who I was 20 years ago... she's no longer there. 

There may be some characteristics of her... but I'm not the same. I've matured, and grown, and how I view things is now colored by experiences that I have had. 

The Bible tell us that if we are in Christ, we are being transformed from "glory to glory". The glory we get here on earth is temporary... you do something great, and everyone applauds and cheers, but things are soon forgotten. 

Christ, however, has eternal glory...

and He is working that eternal glory in us. 

This life is temporary. Temporary struggles. Temporary trials...

preparing us for the eternal. 

Treasure

 Lay up your treasure in heaven...

where neither moth nor rust will destruct. 

This is a Bible verse, my paraphrase, and it is one many of us may recognize. 

There are many things we can treasure. Some value their homes, their decorations, their electronics. Other treasure jewelry, or cars, or other expensive items. 

There's nothing wrong with these things... after all, they are just things... 

but if we put too much emphasis on them, it can skew our view. 

Sometimes, we can begin to define ourselves by our possessions. 

I recently read a comment on social media talking about how Christmas presents would most likely be late... about how shipping and product availability has been affected by numerous elements of the pandemic. This is a true need, as many nurses could attest in the immediate beginning, when valuable PPE was unavailable. 

In our drive-thru, insta-moment culture, we expect results now. Online shopping has made our desires available at the click of a button. Delivery trucks mean you don't even have to go to the store to buy it. Buying "things" has never been easier...

if there are things to buy. 

And we waste so much money on useless stuff. I"m not being preachy here, because I have PILES  of books (that I treasure)... so many that I most likely will never read them all... but that doesn't stop me from buying them. 

I buy books because I value them. 

When we treasure something, we put an emphasis on it. 

When something is valuable to us, we prioritize it. 

We think about it more. 

We go out of our way to spend time in that activity. 

We put our resources into it.. money, yes, but in today's economy, maybe even more importantly, our time. 

As we continue into the fall season, through the holidays and looking toward Advent, may we remember what is most important and treasure that. 

Treasure the experiences. 

Treasure the moments. 

Treasure the memories, without always looking through the camera on our phone (I'm guilty!)

Treasure the eternal...

because that will last forever. 

Toward

 Today I stood on a hilltop on a cemetery, looking out toward the horizon. I walked among the tombstones, noticing the dates. Some were no longer readable.

I thought of the poem "The Dash" (you can read it here). 

Many of the tombstones no longer had a dash carved in between the dates, but it is unspoken. 

That dash represents our journey. 

I want a dash on my tombstone, because it symbolizes who I was. 

We are all walking toward eternity. 

How we live, what we do in the in-between, is important. 

Not so much our jobs, or our hobbies...

but how we invest our time. 

Rather, in whom we invest our time. 

I'm not sure what I want my epitaph to say. 

We all seek validation on the daily, validation that we are important, that we are right. 

Sometimes, we even want to be seen as the victim. 

As we journey toward the date that will be at the end of the dash, may we not get so tangled up in what we are doing. May we instead concentrate on the day, the moment...

because even though we are always looking TOWARD something, we don't know if we will ever truly reach it... but we can take advantage of the moments we have.