Thursday, October 18, 2012

He's here

Just when I think I've got it all figured out, I don't.  It's too early for seasonal affective disorder, but this week has left me feeling drained... out of it.  Grouchy and grumpy and any other word that you can think of.  I have all kinds of blessings to be thankful for... family, a new nephew... but I still feel so blah. 

Ambivalent... yet somehow apathetic.  I'm behind in school and overwhelmed at home and at this point, I really don't care.  Which makes me realize there is a problem.  I feel like I'm in a standstill and really don't know what to do.  This, in turn, reflects in my overall attitude.  Oh, to strangers I'm nice.  To my students I'm somewhat nice.  But at home, I'm not.  I'm impatient and short and hateful as all get out.

I don't know what I want to write here.  Usually if I type something out it gets it off my chest but I'm just not feeling it tonight.  I guess that's ok.  I've been doing a Beth Moore study on Esther.  Ok, I've not been reading like I should... I'm just on Week 3 and I started a month ago.  It's good stuff, though.  It's tough being a woman.  It's tough being a woman when you feel like you're not worth anything.  It's tough being a woman when you feel overwhelmed.  It's tough being a woman because let's face it, beauty is all about the outside and being overweight makes you lazy.  It doesn't help having a fitness freak for a husband.  Sometimes I really wish he'd just trip on the treadmill.  That's not too much to ask, right? And get a big case of carpet burn on his forehead? But I guess I'm just jealous because I don't have motivation.  Again, something I feel ambivalent about.  I know it's my fault, but at this point, I don't care.  OR maybe I do, because it's such an issue.  That's a topic for another blog.

Anyway, the Bible study talks about how the entire book of Esther never mentions God... yet He's there.  He was there when Esther became an orphan and her cousin took her in.  He was there when Xerxes got stark raving drunk and threw a party, and banished his queen because she wouldn't cater to his whims.  He was there when Esther went into the King's chamber.  He was there... even when we may not think it.  And He's with us, too.  Even in our self-pity and self-doubt and questioning.  In our ambivalence and apathy and misery.  He's here, right by our side.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore, I have continued to extend faithful love to you." Jeremiah 31:3, HCSB. 
"...Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you."- Hebrews 13:5
Help me, Lord, be satisfied.  Satisfied in You alone.  Your grace is sufficient.

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