Always Behind... Always Responsible

There's a joke about some members in my family.  Perhaps I am one of them, perhaps I am not... anyway, the joke goes that you need to tell them you're doing something an hour behind, because they are always late. 
That feels like me. 
Always behind. Always late.  Always running, running, running from everything that I need to do. 

Because I can't say no.  Didn't you know?  I'm responsible for making the world spin...

In Grace for the Good Girl (which, by the way, just to show you how I'm always late, held group discussions on Thursday.  Today is SUNDAY...) this week we read about the mask of being responsible.  Emily wrote about how we often feel responsible for things which we are not.  Other people's salvation (I've even preached my beliefs to them.  Let's be honest.  It doesn't matter HOW Caleb does a gratitude journal, or that he even does one... just that he learns to be grateful.  Yet last night as he was writing his I'm thankful fors, he was constantly asking me if he needed to do this or that.  Obviously, someone has done a little too much lecturing to the little guy...).  We feel responsible for other people's mistakes, other people's decisions, and other people's happiness. 

Something struck me... has struck me through this book and another book I'm reading at the same time (I Used to be so Organized).  I take responsibility because it's expected... not by anyone else, but by me.  As the bossy big sister, I took responsiblity (well, I didn't know that was the word) because I wanted attention.  Acceptance.  I wanted to be the one who was known for doing everything... so sign me up for something else.  Do people really expect me to do everything?  No... but they'll appreciate me trying.  Because sometimes it means they don't have to do anything... and doesn't everyone want the easy way out?  (Except me...and all you other good girls out there.  We tend to struggle with the easy way.  In fact, Wallace has even told me, "You like to make things difficult.")

I take responsibility when something goes bad... maybe not out loud, verbally, to anyone else (because that would be like admitting I make mistakes, and good girls don't make mistakes).  I take responsibility internally, and beat myself up over things for days... even after I've forgotten how it was supposed to turn out. 

Yet I find it hard to accept responsibility for good things.  I become embarrassed whenever someone acknowledges me.  I don't want to rush into a thank you because I don't want to seem like I think I deserve it. 

And then, as I look at my schedule, I start to feel resentful.  The passive aggressive Lauren smiles on the outside, but on the inside I'm fuming.  "Why did you ask me to do this?  How could you expect this from me?  Don't you know how busy I am?"... Ummm, no.  They don't.  They asked you because they wanted your help, but there's always the option of "No.". Imagine that...

While I'll probably always be a recovering "Yes m'am... you can count on me." I'm starting to see the value of not accepting responsiblity.  Even when I'm the one doing the work, He's the one working through me.  That whole weakness made strong verse?  I could scream it from the rooftops... except then I would draw the wrong kind of attention to myself.  So instead, I'm asking Him quietly to help me not assume responsibility.  To help me lean on Him.  To help me stop being late because I'm trying to do so much... and to just Be.  Not a recovering good girl, but a girl covered in grace.  Grace from Him... grace from those I'm really not responsible for, and most importantly... grace from me.  Because His grace is sufficient =)