Today has been a long day. Caleb had physical therapy, I had a funeral to attend, work, and teaching a CPR class. It's almost 10 PM and I'm ready to fall into bed, lots left undone and feeling like a failure because I've ran in what seemed like a million directions. Life is hard... and then you die. Kind of morbid, right, until you think about the eternal reward.
My mind is spinning in a tailspin so I apologize if this comes off as being a big conglomeration of nothing. On days like today, all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. And it's not even really been a bad day... I'm just in one of those funks. Seems like I can't do anything right. Everybody questions my actions and my responses and it's a lifelong battle with everyone... I feel like it's me against the world.
And it is. Not just me, though. It's me and a band of angels against the world, and no matter how much I think I have to defend myself and my actions and my responses and my decisions, I don't have to. I'm me, and I'm God's and that's all there is about that. I do my best...and it's good enough. Maybe not to the world, maybe not to those around me, but my life, the dash between 1979 and whatever date I die, is between me and God only. That's enough to be happy about right there. It's the same for you. Why do we feel like we have to be perfect? Why do we feel like we have to handle it all? Because I can't do anything without Him... I'm far from perfect, and I can barely write my name sometimes, much less handle everything I'm trying to juggle.
Today, I sat in a funeral of a beautiful woman who has left a legacy of "The Proverbs 31 Woman." As I was thinking about Aunt Jo last night, that's exactly what came to mind. Precious. Trustworthy. Bringing good to her husband of 60 years. Planning her life on her farm that they made from wilderness. Strong and a hard worker. Beautiful on the inside and out. Kind. I don't know about you, but those words scare me. Maybe this is why we think we have to be perfect... doesn't she have it all together? Isn't this Proverbs 31 woman the epitome of perfection?
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness." "Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”"
This is what I want... to have dignity and strength and be fearless, to give kind instructions, and to be blessed by Caleb and praised by Wallace. This is why I feel like a failure... because I don't do these things. Not consistently. Oh, my... I know I could never do all these things. The preacher today talked about that, too... how we try to do it all on our own. He talked about Jesus, who could have done anything He wanted, knew he had to cry out to the Father in Gethsamane. He then talked about how Aunt Jo knew who to lean on, too.
So I may not be humble or kind., but I'm trying. I am far from perfect, but I serve a perfect God. He loves me just the way I am, just as he loved Aunt Jo. And she's up there right now with Him, with her 7 sisters who went before her.
"Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise."- Maybe my mess of a life is a testimony in and of itself... that I know I've not got it all together, but what matters is that I know Who does. Thanks for listening. Keep on hanging on... because we may get there eventually. And oh, it's going to be perfect.
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