Psalm 61

There's something about being grateful and having a good week that does something to you.  This weekend has been full of fun and laughter and good times spent with family and friends.  I've read and took long baths and got my Christmas tree up (not without a few words...).  So it's been a successful break.

But tomorrow is Monday and the devil is already hitting hard.  Stuff for work that just won't work the way I want to, and insecurities about who I am have been hitting me all night.  Sometimes I just feel so helpless... and I know that you probably do, too.

It's easy to live a Christian life when you are secluded in the four walls of your house.  When you have to deal with people, well, that complicates things.  And when you are a mess yourself, fighting feelings of self-doubt and jealousy, well, it's doubly so. 

Nights like this, I just want to cry.  And I know it is because it is the end of the semester and the beginning of all of the hustle and bustle that comes from the Christmas season... and I'm overwhelmed.  And that's just how the devil wants it, because if he can take our joy and gratitude and get our mind on what this time of the year has become, instead of how it all started, then he's won. 

I'm fighting it, but tonight I'm losing... however, I know that in the end I have the victory.  I just have to claim it. As I'm sitting here feeling defeated, though, I just don't know how. 

Sometimes, the best answer is one that has been proven before.  The psalmist wrote, "Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer.  From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For You have been a shelter for me, A strong tower from the enemy.  I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. "- Psalm 61:1-4.

He hears us.  He knows the depths of our hearts, even when we don't act like He does.  He is our shelter, our rock, our stong tower.  He is here. 

Thanksgiving Traditions

His entire body is hanging out the window and I know that there is something so very wrong about that.  Does it make me a bad parent that I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face as he hollers and snaps pictures?

Our annual trip to see Southern Lights on Thanksgiving night has never been boring, but this...well, this is just.  too.  much. 

I'm big on tradition.  Don't like change. I know that on Thanksgiving day, we'll all be huddled in my Mom's house, piled on the couch and loveseat and in the floor and in chairs pulled around a makeshift kitchen table in the living room.  Football will eventually make it on TV (although yesterday's favorite was the dog show.  And yes, we really watched it. "These people spend so much money on their dogs that they don't have anything left to worry about what they are wearing." Typical Kami reaction.  "Is that a comb in her hair????" Responds Alaxandra).  My plate is full of Aunt Nora's mashed potatoes and Aunt Lisa's homemade bread, banana pudding and the Clemons Clan staple, dirt cake, which can be found at any get together that we have.  Sometime, there will be a discussion about which football team was better, Breathitt's 1995-96 team (Glenn's...even though he didn't actually dress until the next year, his freshman year and my Senior year), or the 2002 (Warren's).  And then, the action will head up to my mother in law's yard, where the dogs will be driven crazy by harrowing passes and dives and rolling around on the cold for the annual Turkey Bowl.  This year, a dwindling number made the game a tad bit less exciting, but Wallace and Landry's trash talk made up for the lack of players ("I'm not trying to sound cocky," Landry said, "But I think our best option is the throw the ball to me, because Wallace just can't catch me."  And all of Wallace's training on the treadmill was for naught, because he was nothing for Landry's speed.  And Landry let him know it.)

And then, for picky eaters like me, heaven in the form of Ruby Tuesday's with the in-laws.  Baby Will made this year extra special.  He is so precious, with big blue eyes and cheeks that I could literally eat up.  A good road trip sitting in the backseat listening to Nana and Wallace.  Time spent with family is the best time,and I'm so blessed that I have not just one awesome family, but two... and that we are all so close. 

And then we made it to the horse park.  Doesn't seem like long ago we were driving through with Mom's van door open so Caleb could gaze in amazement at all of the twinkling lights, trying to identify the characters and figure out what they were all about.  Now, tonight, he is hanging out the window... and he knows what the characters are and we sing The Twelve Days of Christmas and then he starts that hollering, and the cool night air rushes in.  Wallace looks at me and winks and I'm laughing so hard that I lose my breath and Caleb says, "Well, that was fun."

And it was.

2 Corinthians 5:17

I'm sitting on my couch right now enjoying the silence.  Caleb is at Papaw William's, the clothes in the washer are waiting to be put in the dryer, and Wallace is at ball practice.  There is still a lot to be done, but I just finished a book and put my feet up.

I'm really ruminating the scripture I read this morning. 2 Corinthians 5:17, here from The Message: "Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. "

Anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start... isn't that wonderful?  As I'm sitting here thinking about new vs. old, I've been reflecting on how this year has gone.  It's been a busy one.  It's been a hard one, full of new challenges and new insights and let's face it... sometimes new is hard. We get used to our comfort zone.  We grow complacent, but being complacent is easy... because you don't have to change.  And change is hard.  Why else doesn't anyone keep all those New Year's Resolutions?

I don't think it is a coincedence that we get New Years after the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  See, that month is so full of hustle and bustle and running and buying and eating and partying and shopping and... just doing... that we need renewal.  The New Year is an opportunity for a clean slate.  It's one of my favorite times, to pull out my journal on January 1 and make my list.  And, no, I'm not perfect, and yes, I've not met many resolutions from last year at all.  Which makes me think that maybe they aren't necessarily resolutions, but just goals that I'm shooting for... but that's a whole other topic for this blog for a later date.

I'm already thinking about next year.  Even though the Bible warns us not to do that, as humans we can't help but be preoccupied with the past, and the future.  So as I'm sitting here, I'm thinking again that next year is going to be better.  I'm going to be a better Mom and wife and teacher and friend and daughter and sister and Christian and students... I'm thinking of how I'll do all those things...

But, the good news is we don't have to wait until next year.  We're told that his mercies are new EVERY morning... whether it is January 1 or March 14 or May 21 or July 4 or November 21.  Every morning, we are given the opportunity to open our eyes, and before we ever get out of bed, say, "Today, I can make it whatever I want to be." 

As I've been concentrating on thankfulness this month, I have found a peace... yes, I'm still argumentative and just this morning Wallace got on my nerves so bad I wanted to scream... but in my thankfulness, I can overlook those small indiscretions.  And this week, participating in the Good Morning Girls Intentional Week of Gratitude, I read that verse from 2 Corinthians, and then thought about being made new.  No, not perfect... but different.  Just how He wants me to be, when I step out of the way.  And me being made new,  yet still a work of progress... this process is where I get to become a better me.  Better in that I am centered on Christ, and He is in me, and His fruit is evident in me.  Being new... because we are settled in Christ.  Settled... Resolved.  Not.  Going.  Anywhere. 

New opportunities every morning... because His grace is sufficient.

My To Do List

It's Thanksgiving break... and I am so very thankful.  I'm just plain tired, and I have an ambitious to do list to get accomplished.  Starting with a mound of laundry that has been piled up for heaven knows how long.  Ending with submission of some Biostats homework and hopefully a rough draft of a leadership philosophy paper...

And in the meantime, finishing Lean, Mean Thirteen and working through week 6 of Esther, downloading a couple of more books to my Kindle and taking these in at my leisure.  Food and family fun on Thursday, complete with an annual trip to Lexington to take in the Christmas lights.  Hopefully catching a movie with Wallace and Purple and Gold night and a basketball scrimmage.  Napping and playing Bejeweled and spending time with my best boy...

Lots of stuff to do.  Now I'm going to head to bed so I can be well rested to tackle that laundry tomorrow.  May my motivation still be with me when I wake up in the morning =)

Fall Blessings

The sky is a brilliant blue with just a few clouds interspersing. The sunshine is a golden yellow.  Looking outside the window, I'm sure it is a warm summer day, but the chill of near-winter nips at my cheeks as I walk out of the hospital.  The last day of clinical for the semester... my whites aren't nearly as white as they were at the beginning of the semester, and my students aren't nearly as excited as they were then, either.  Assessments have become old hat and they are ready to learn how to try IVs, ready to do more skills and less questioning of their patients.  Thanksgiving, and then finals loom, and to say we are all a little burned out would be an understatement.

But the air is fresh and I breathe in deep as I unlock my messy car.  Caleb is in a good mood and we study for a Science test, and then I read and work on lecture notes and read some more.  I get a quick chat with Wallace, which is rare during the week.

And I'm reminded, again, that this is the week for Thanksgiving... but how can it just be a week?  The blue sky has turned dark and I'm sure the chill has picked up, but I'm snug in my pajamas with the heater going.  How can I so easily take these things for granted when I know that somewhere, someone does not have these things? 

The words of one of my favorite songs right now echoes in my mind right now. "If I'm so thankful, how do I easily forget... that You died for all of this?"  Yes, sacrifices were made, before I was even in existence, so that I could sit hear on this Monday night and pound out this blog on the keyboard and dread the notification on my phone that my stats homework has been graded.  And as I sink in the bathwater, let me not forget that somewhere, there is someone who doesn't have running water... and dare I think it? Could it be someone even nearby?

We tend to think of others during this Holiday season... but it is often a small, quick glance to quelch the guilt we feel as we run to and fro and buy and buy and buy... and too often we tend to imagine those who are needy as being in a country far, far away, on the other side of the world. And they are... but there are also those needy in our backyards.  Needs aren't always physical, sometimes the pain that is the hardest to bear isn't necessarily a physical pain, but rather one that rips from the inside out, and sometimes the hardest hunger to fill is the hunger of needing to be loved.

If you are loved, you are blessed.  If you know Whose you are, doubly so.  In the Bible, we are told in Ephesians that we were chosen before the foundation of the world.  In Jeremiah, we are told that we are loved with an everlasting love.  And in Psalms, we are given the commandment over and over, "Give thanks to the Lord. For He is good.  His love endures forever."

And that thankfulness... it spreads from the inner part of us to the outer and we live it by loving others.  On this Monday, thankful for Bible study and computers and time with my family. Thankful for days off this week and pajamas and warm bubble baths. Thankful that I am not alone... and that I have love to share.  And the gifts of autumn- a golden sun hitting the few remaining red leaves outside of my college office building, the smell of Pumpkin Spice bubble bath, and the crisp chill in the air reminding me that it won't be fall for too much longer. Thank You, God, for these things...

That Time of Year

So, it's officially basketball season. Started out with a win in our first scrimmage and I was pretty pleased with how the Coach behaved.  I always find it amusing to sit and listen to the other team's crowd.  Our girls (and most of our parents) have figured out that Wallace is all mouth.  He yells at his girls, he yells at the refs, he just yells... and jumps and stomps and paces the sideline.   I really wouldn't be surprised to see him turnng kartwheels one night, and that's ok.  He acts cocky and whines to the ref, quarrels at the other coaches... but at the end of the game, he loves his girls and he's really not a bad guy.

However, if I had a quarter for everytime I'd heard, "Sit down, coach..." or "Quit yelling" or "Just calm down...", well, I'd have enough money so that Wallace could coach for free and we wouldn't have to worry about booster money.  Last night, as we were playing Belfry (and have  I mentioned how fun it is to beat Belfy, even if it is just a scrimmage?)  I heard a guy above me say, "Well, it's just because it is a small gym." (As to why Wallace's voice carries so loudly).  I turned around and said, "No, not really". 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to what this season holds.  We've got a great bunch of girls and they are really excited, I think.  And so am I.  So let the fun begin! 

Friday Nights

He's the little boy the  older cousins blame everything on.  The one who loves dump trucks and HeMan, and climbing in the trees, and eventually onto Grandma's roof.  He's the one who led the parade when Butch died and we had the funeral by the river. 

And then there is the boy who pulled the fire alarm, who told Wallace to play "them naked ladies", the one who shocked me as a three year old when he wanted to order "beer... Budweiser" from the concession stand when we went to watch the Rugrats at Thanksgiving.

I'm sitting in the stands, gloves on with hot hands in.  It's not that cold, but then again I'm dressed in three layers, sitting on a blanket, snuggled between my Mom and my Dad.  I'm surrounded by family, because that's how we do things.  This year, and last, we were the TO fan club, cheering that little boy with the mischievous smile who somehow grew up overnight on to victory.  And what a few years it has been.  Getting lost going to Campbellsville, yelling at the refs because of bad calls, cheering on for touchdowns... we've had fun.  And as I'm sitting there, ready to watch them take the field, I look down and see these two embrace.  The older cousin, hugging his younger cousin.  Patting him on the back.  And I get tears in my eyes.

See, I'm one of the older ones, and those younger cousins feel more like my kids.  I can remember the excitement when we found out they were going to be born.  First Nora, then Mom, then Dana, making their announcements, and that's how they were born... Allie, then a couple of hours later, Kami, and then Brayton.  And us older cousins, well, we taught them, and picked on them, and egged them on.  That might explain why each group is a little bit meaner, or sassier, or self-confident, than the last, because they learned...

So here we are, the end of another Senior season.  Each one is different in its own way.  There was Glenn's, as he dressed in 56 and took the field the last time as a Bobcat, only to return a few years later to help coach.  There was Jordan's where  we all pulled out purple and gold from our predominately blue and white closet and stood for Jackson's School song to watch him win a Regional Championship... only to leave broken-hearted when they got oh so close.  Then Gentry's, where this sweet kid who had the most adorable smile left it all on the soccer, basketball, and baseball field.  Last year, Kami, who had cheered her whole life, and Alaxandra, whose skills at softball amaze this old woman.  And now, Brayt...

As I watched him return the kickoff, moving down the field, down by 3 touchdowns, I was misty-eyed again.  And Dana stood up and yelled and Mom rang her cowbell and Kami yelled, "Come on boys!"  Mike Fugate and Wallace were sitting up in the stands complaining, as usual, and Lisa had moved to make room for all of our extended family.  And Brayt plowed down the field again, and Glenn on the sideline cheering him on. 

My family... even if we lost, there is no other place I'd have rather been on a Friday night.  Surrounded by all of these crazy people...

No, not a win.  But I am so proud.  And tomorrow I'll wake up and it will be basketball season, and then in two years it will be Landry.  Time goes on.  We live, and love, and play our last game.  I'll keep cheering regardless, knowing that in the end, it's not about the game.  It's about the people, my family, and the family that those boys form on the field.  Tonight, I'm proud to be a Bobcat... and I'm still cheering TO... cause after all, next week is the Clemons Clan Turkey Bowl =)