He Loves Us Anyway

Sometimes I am the world's biggest hypocrite. I have been trying so hard to be thankful and to show love and to be a better person, but to be honest, sometimes I just don't care. There you have it. I know intellectually that feeling of apathy is nothing but the ugly head of my flesh coming out, and I struggle internally to put on a smile and to be friendly and caring. Sometimes, though, I wish I could put a big flashing sign on my forehead that says, "Please leave me alone." Or more appropriately, "Caution... This is one crazy lady."

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that most of the time these moods come when I'm really tired. Or superstressed. Or maybe a combination of both. It's times like that when I really just need to take off to a deserted island... not so much for myself, but for everyone who I come into contact with. So easily annoyed by large crowds and noise and the people who drive slow in front of me, for questions and small talk and just. being. nice. Although if I feel like this, I'm really not nice at all, right?

Ahhh... but as I writing this rant, one word comes to mind. Grace. Not like amazing grace that saved me, although that part is true, too. But grace... giving grace. To others. Being graceful and patient and forgiving and forbearing. On days like today, when my nerves are grating and I just feel like screaming (even though I have no clue why I feel like this. It's not really been a bad day. I seriously think I need to look into some antidepressants...) it is so hard to practice grace...

But back to the amazing grace that saved me, and continues to cover me. See, God loves me regardless of how crappy my attitude is. That's not saying He likes my bad attitude... but He has this thing called unconditional love. Love is WHO HE IS... So He can't not love. And even on my crazy, antisocial, hypocritical days... He loves me. And in this love, He's changing me. Helping me see that this isn't the right attitude to have. See, before, I'd be pretending everything was ok, and seething on the inside, but not really caring that I was seething. Now, I don't like it when I'm in these moods, and really do worry on how I affect others. Not because I care about what others think of me, because I'm slowly growing out of that, but because I care about other seeing Christ in me. And if I'm full of this negative attitude, they can't see the Son...

Lord, help me get out from this nasty storm cloud. Help me focus on You and Your goodness. I know I don't deserve it... but You love me anyway. Amen and amen.

Monday Musings... Gratitude

Mondays get a bad wrap.  Particularly Mondays that come after a busy weekend of all day class on Saturday, a five hour drive home, church and children's church on Sunday morning, and a pool party for little man's 10th birthday party...

And let's face it, on those kind of Mondays, when you can barely roll out of the bed, it's hard to be thankful. This is why being thankful has so much to do with intentionality.  We have to make a choice to choose gratitude, to look back the craziness of life and focus on the gifts.  Gifts like...

A job that gives me the opportunity to still "nurse", yet teach others.  Students willing to learn.  Nurses willing to teach.  Good friends that I miss at the hospital, and the chance to catch up.  Rainy days that make me sleepy, and the chance to just rest on the couch (with my eyes open) for a few minutes in the evening.  Crazy bread from Little Caesars and a ride home with Caleb with conversation, radio off, just us talking.  His logic and thinking... never fails to amaze me.  The sound of Wallace pounding on the treadmill, lecture notes done on time, and a couple of extra days to work on a paper.  A computer and facebook and twitter and the feel of community even when I am at home in the middle of nowhere. All of these things, which may mean nothing to anyone but me, but to me they are the greatest gifts...

God's Word... 1 Peter 5 and the reminder that humility is key... and is humility not a manifestation of thankfulness?  His love that never fails, and realizing (again) that His mercies are new every morning.  Gifts, if only I hold my hand out and accept them.  Thank You, Lord. 

Just a Little Prayer

At the beginning of the year, I had hoped to write once a day.  Life is busy, though, and I've not been able to do that.  One of the reasons behind writing every day is because if it is a habit I'll be more likely to do it, and I think better after writing and getting stuff off of my mind.  Tonight, though, I've got nothing...

It's been five days since I last wrote, and they've been five busy days.  Meeting in Hazard, trip to Bowling Green, class, church with Children's Church, and Caleb's birthday party.  All leading up to what is looking like it will be another jam-packed week, including the kick-off to basketball season.

So tonight, if it's okay with any readers I've got out there, I'd just like to say a little prayer on this white space I'm typing.  Not so that I will look good or so that it'll be read by the masses, keeping in mind that prayer is personal and that God doesn't want us boasting in public...

But might I pray for you, too?  I'm not even sure if anyone will read this, but if you do... you're included...

Lord, I'm so very thankful that You are You and I am not.  I'm thankful that You look over my mess and love me.  I'm thankful that You were willing to die for me and my sins, and that You forgive me even when I can't forgive myself.  I'm thankful for this life that is busy... but please help me not lose focus on You.  It's when I lose that focus and start looking at all that is going on that I get so messed up and needy.  Help me not forget that, Lord. 
So many in our community, in our country, in our families, are hurting. Comfort them, Lord. Wrap Your arms around them and give them strength.   Death and sickness and need... worry and fear and not knowing what to expect.  You know the future, though... and Your ways are so much greater than ours.  You have a purpose and a plan, and we know that all things work together for our good, if we love You.  And I do, Lord... even if I have a messed up way of showing it sometimes.
Be with my family and my friends and my students.  Be with our Bobcats as they travel to Belfry.  I'm praying traveling mercies and that all will be safe.  Be with Caleb and help him have a good week. Be with my ball girls as they kick off this season.
Lord, today, on Veterans Day, I'm thankful for all who have served our country and are serving it right now, and all of their families.  Please keep our boys and girls overseas safe, especially those who I know. 
Thank You, Lord, for a safe place for me to turn to.  You are so good. We don't deserve Your goodness, but great is Your faithfulness.  In Jesus's name, Amen and amen. 

Happy Birthday, Caleb!

My mind can't hardly comprehend a decade.  Time goes by too quickly, and the days fade into each other.  Ten years is a long time, yet it seems like yesterday...

Ten years ago I was in the hospital, waiting to welcome Caleb Bates into this scary world.  Ten years have seen a lot...

the little boy who loved John Deere.  Loved riding on lawnmowers and anything that had wheels. Could tell you any type of car we passed on the interstate, and frequently got the make and model right.  That little boy whose smile lit up the room.  Obsessed with TG Shuck and WKYT, and Dora the Explorer and Diego.  The kid who loved rubber boots and would wear them with everything. 

A Mama's heart overflows with memories and there are just too many to share, and it hurts to think of that small hand that used to be swallowed up in my own. 

Kids start out so defenseless, and we have to protect them from everything, and then before you know it they grow and grow and can start protecting you.  And to every Mama, their kid is special, and we are all special because we are God's... but aren't some just a little bit more?

I walk through Walmart with him, and he's passing out hugs and smiles and talking to people that I don't know.  He's been like that from a young age.  He is his father's son, and at times that is a good thing.  My eyes got misty last night when I looked over to see him help a teammate get up off the ground.  His heart full of love most of the time... and in his eyes I see a glimpse of the man that he will grow to be. 

Ten years is just long enough for me to realize that I will never have this Mother thing figured out.  I'm so selfish and spiteful and just plain mean at times, and I hope that he doesn't see that always.  I hope he remembers instead the Mama that laughed and tickled and just stared at him in amazement, because he is mine and he is him, completely unique. 

We dream big dreams for our kids, and we close our eyes and take a deep breath and pray that somehow, someway, those dreams will be realized, and that their hearts will be protected from hurt and they will love and thrive and prosper.  And then we realize that sometimes our dreams aren't their dreams, and that's ok, and as we open up the palm that clinches their tiny fingers, open it wide to release them and let them chase after their own dreams, the breath slowly is exhaled as we watch them toddle across the living room floor, only to land with a soft thunk on the carpet.  And ten years later, we watch them take first steps in another direction, and then 20 years later... and so on.  But always, as we watch in wide-eyed wonder as they take those first steps, we realize that we never were in control.  And that's ok, too... because He is. 

To my Caleb, on your 10th birthday... Never let anyone tell you that you can't do something that you want to.  You are so smart, and funny, and loveable.  Don't be too stubborn, though, to admit when you are wrong.  Don't be afraid to try something new, and don't be so hung up on perfection like your Mama.  Love deep.  Smile and laugh and just enjoy being you.  Be the best that you can be, always, and know that even when your best isn't good enough, even when life kicks you down and you feel like you can't get up, there's a great big God waiting to dust you off.  And a Mama that loves you to the moon and back, more than mint chocolate chip ice cream.  Be you, because there is noone better. 

Thanking God for this blessing of motherhood, and that His grace is sufficient for when I don't get it right...

Do Not Fear

The most common command in the Bible? "Do not fear"... or some variation. One source says there is 366 instances that God commands us not to fear... one for every day, even leap year. So how come it's so hard for us not to do?

We fear different things. Sunday, I watched Session 4 of Beth Moore's Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman, and the whole session was on fear. I can't imagine the fear Esther must have felt. Fear because she was alone in the King's palace. Fear because her people had received a death sentence. Fear because she was facing sure death by approaching the King. Fear of rejection. Fear because she was facing sure death if she didn't approach him.

As Beth continued talking about how her fear turned to courage, she talked about worse case scenarios. See, our mind tends to churn and focus on these worst case scenarios, and the "What ifs". Most of these what ifs never come true, yet we dwell on them and paralyze ourselves with fear of what might happen. It's why we don't try new things. It's why we don't hop on the plane or take that ship or try that food or... you fill in the blank. Fear can prevent us from living life in the fullest. Fear is one of the devil's best tactics... because he is a thief, wanting to steal our joy, and the best way to steal joy is to take our minds off of the good and cause us to focus on what scares us.

Beth then went on to talk about perfect love casting out all fear... which is one of my favorite verses. Jesus's love gives us strength... and His love is perfect. She posed this question... If ____________, then _________________. If your worst nightmare happens, then what? If the worst thing you could ever imagine happen, then what?

If that worse case scenario happens, then... God. God is there. God is still good. God is still in control. And somehow, we pick up the pieces and continue on. Even when we don't think we can. Knowing that He is good and He is God and He is in control. His love casts out fear, because if God is for us, who can be against us?

And this made me consider... I've had some rough times lately. Not anything compared to some people, but enough to shake my world up a little and look at my priorities. Was it the worst thing that could have happen? Probably not. Did it take me out of my comfort zone? Absolutely. And guess what? I'm still here, and I'm stronger. I've grown from it. I've learned from it. God is still good and He's still God, and I'm trying to hand it all over to Him.

"I know Who goes before me, I know who stands behind. The God of angel armies, is always by my side. The One who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine... Whom shall I fear?"

The Hurry...

Today I spent  a couple hours in the mall.  I had no urgency, just killing time while Wallace worked.  I strolled from store to store, window shopping and made my way to The Cheesecake Factory.  On the way out the door from the mall to the restaurant, I met a girl who hurriedly scrambled through the door.  She appeared rushed as she barely said thank you to me for holding the door open.

Shortly after, as I stood in line to place my order for a slice of heaven to go, the same girl stood behind me in line.  Money in hand, she seemed exasperated as the lady in front of me took her time looking over all of the different kinds of cheesecake.  (Let's be honest.  If you've never been to the Cheesecake Factory, this isn't just any cheesecake.  There have to be twenty different selections.  And they all look good.  And you can get them in different sizes. This is not a decision to be taken lightly).

Anyway, I gave the lady behind the cash register my order (one piece of Reese's Peanut Butter Chocolate cake Cheesecake) and stepped over to get out of the way. I almost ran over the lady who had been impatiently standing behind me, as she told another server behind another cash register her order.  "I'm sorry for talking over your head, " she told me. "I'm just really in a hurry."

Maybe I should have let her go in front of me, but hindsight is 20/20.  This whole ordeal made me think, though.  Is that what I look like all the time, as I rush from here to there in a hurry?  Do I make people think I'm too busy for their needs? I'm afraid that a lot of the time, I do.  You see, the mind is a crazy thing, and it can totally convince us that we have to be in that hurry mode. 

As I've been contemplating gratitude, though, and grace, I realize that as we hurry through life, we miss those small moments of gratitude.  If we are in too big of a hurry, we don't get to appreciate each moment as it stands.  We miss the feel of the sunshine on our face, or the laugh of the small child, or the taste of that cheesecake as it slides off the fork.  Overcome by our need to do more, and be more, and get more, our senses are unable to grasp the goodness, the Godness, around us. 

Lord, help me not to be too hurried to see You in the everyday, in the mundane.

Today, giving thanks for my parents.  Also, for cheesecake and new jackets and heaven in a bookstore, for three hour drives with Wallace playing with my hair and nothing good on the radio... for knowing exactly what he was going to say about the belt on the lady taking our order at Arby's and the sunset in the background as we drove across this great Bluegrass state. For little Will, so small in my arms, and my too-big boy who almost stands as tall as me.  Your blessings are many. Help me not forget...

November Beginnings

There's so much going on in my head right now that I'm not sure where this blog will lead me.  Since part of the purpose of this is to clear out my chaotic mind (God help everyone reading this.. that's a dangerous place, a glimpse into my mind...), I'm just going to let it go. Since what's on my mind could never fit into that tiny box on Facebook.

First off, I can't believe it is already November! Wow!  I'm devoting this month to thankfulness.  I"ve tried really hard all year to have an attitude of gratitude, but I think it is especially important this month.  Not just because of Thanksgiving, although that certainly plays a part of it, but because it is so hectic.  The end of the semester, preparing for exams and wrapping up assignments, and then there is the crazy Christmas shopping... we too quickly lose focus and start looking at all that is pressing in on us rather than just being.  And it's in the just being, the breathing in and out in the everyday mundane, that we are truly thankful... aware of God and His blessings, some so minute and small that we take them for granted.  On Thursday, I was just thankful that I made it to work.  After locking my keys up in the house, and the rain and nastiness, it was a blessing just to sit down at my desk and breathe before tackling my to do list.  And that day there was the most beautiful blue sky... Friday brought thankfulness for God's grace.  I was reading in Unglued about grace... marvelous grace.  The verse Joel 2:13 was in my reading and it really put things into perspective.  Our God is so full of lovingkindness, and endless mercy. He is slow to anger, even when I deserve anger.  He is so good.  Period.  He is.. no way around it. Today, I'm thankful for a full life.  I stay so busy and that in itself is a blessing, because life is never boring.  And in the midst of this busyness, He provides rest... which I am so very thankful for. Today, I've just sat around and read my Bible, cleared out my email (I subscribe to a bunch of daily blogs that I don't read everyday, but I don't delete, either... I save them until I have a day like today when I can go through them.) Speaking of rest...

Thursday as I read Unglued, I was in chapter 11, which talked about a Sabbath rest.  A statement Lysa wrote really stuck out to me. This is a rough paraphrase, but she essentially said that when we come unglued (when we lose control of our reactions), it is because we are starved for God's Word.  There are days when I am starved for God's Word.  Even though I KNOW it is better to start my day off before God, I get lazy and complacent.  I sleep until the alarm goes off, then hit snooze... and hit it again. And again.  Or reset my clock (yes... I know.  Lazy is not a strong enough word).  And so my feet hit the ground running, and I'm always behind, and sometimes I don't crack open my Bible for a couple of days.  It's on those days when I can feel my need, radiating through me.  I'm desperate for His good Word... and just like an anorexic with poor body image, I start to think I'm ok without His Word.  The longer I go, the more desperate I am... and the more unglued I become.  Over stupid stuff.  I start that internal negative self-talk... and it's like an avalanche.

So, again, today has been good.  Bathing in His truth.  Thinking on His good thoughts of me.  Thoughts like I am special, chosen, fearfully and wonderfully made. Loved with an everlasting love.  Perfect in Christ, with everything that I need.  I need to focus on this every day.

Thankful in November?  You bet.  Imperfect progress... with the key word being imperfect... Yes.  And getting better every day.