NEED

I need some validation. 

I need some clarification. 

I need to figure out... well, lots of things. 

It's a winding journey I've been on for the past few years. I guess we are on a similar journey, of finding our purpose and figuring out who we are. 

I've laughingly said I've been going through a mid-life crisis... 

I wonder if it's just me who has no clue what they are doing in this life. I'm pretty sure the answer to that is "no". 

So, here I am, everyday, trying to figure out what exactly I need...

And how those needs fit into my place in this world. 

If y’all follow me at all you know I love a good planner. I love anything that gives me a semblance of control, because I so often lack it. I am GREAT at planning, but pretty soon the motivation wears off…

Today I sat down and reflected on the last nine months. I know we are all so very tired of hearing the “pandemic” but we live in a “pre” and “post” world. Even before, there was an unsettling in my spirit. These last two years, and even before, I have been processing and trying to “find” myself. You’ve read my striving and struggling… I try to be transparent… and you may read this and say “Here she goes again” BUT I honestly feel like somebody else may need to hear this.

This morning, as I do most firsts of the month, I stepped on the scales. I knew it would be bad, and it was. I realized that for the longest time I’ve not felt comfortable in my skin. I guess, while that may be unsettling, it’s a good thing, too. When we are uncomfortable, it eventually makes us move. It’s a sign of growing, and if we are stagnant, we die…

And as I say and thought and wrote this morning, I thought of how I’m sick of quantifying things. If you are reading this, I want you to know this. You are more than a number on the scale, more than the sum of your failures, more than all that you feel you aren’t.

Tonight, wherever you are, I hope you know that you are worth all of the hard work and overwhelm and doubt and fear that goes into figuring out your worth. Friend, don’t settle. Life is more than going through the motions. I’m not where I need to be, but I’m trying to make every day better. I’m slowly learning (or remembering, I’m a slow learner) that it’s not about what I do. Not about all I accomplish. It’s about something that the world can’t see.

Join me in this journey? To be? To love? To live?

Grace to you, friend… #last100days2021