Establish

 My write 31 days "experiment" this year was just that... 

I didn't have a set focus. 

No 31 days of anything, just wanted to get into a routine of writing and force myself to get words down even when I didn't feel inspired. 

Writers write, right?

I'm using words provided by the Five Minute Friday linkup at Kate Montaug's blog, but usually writing more than five minutes, although as I go throughout the month I probably would not be opposed at setting a time for five minutes. Mostly, though, I'm finding that even using those words, I'm doing a lot of processing about who I am and what I want and what all that means for who I am. "Finding myself" if you would... 

Today is the first day when I really had no idea what I would write about. The prompt was "establish". I looked up the definition, and there are several different things establish could mean. 

One of the definitions of establish is "to bring into existence". I think that's what I'm trying to do. At 42, I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis, questioning most of what I've "known" all my life. Through this month, and I'm sure for a lot longer, I have the desire to "bring into existence" a better me... to bring into existence who I want to be. 

Not that I want it to be fake, or made up, but more fully developed, I guess. 

So, I go back to my "manifesto" that I wrote at the beginning of the month. Learn to breathe fully. Learn to experience. Force myself to move. Read and write for the sheer enjoyment of words. Seek adventure in all things, because what is life if it is not a grand adventure? 

Bringing this "life" into existence, working to establish the life that I'm destined to live... well, it's just that. It's work. It's a lot of questions, a lot of thinking, of reconsidering. It's forgiving and seeking to live without bitterness, even against myself.  Not all of it is fun... but it will be worth it. 

At the end of every day, I want to be able to put my head on the pillow knowing that I didn't just sleep walk through the day. 

So, maybe this month will put my mind into a favorable position (another definition of establish) to be all that I can be...

or to at least accept who I am with my limitations.