He Loves Us Anyway

Sometimes I am the world's biggest hypocrite. I have been trying so hard to be thankful and to show love and to be a better person, but to be honest, sometimes I just don't care. There you have it. I know intellectually that feeling of apathy is nothing but the ugly head of my flesh coming out, and I struggle internally to put on a smile and to be friendly and caring. Sometimes, though, I wish I could put a big flashing sign on my forehead that says, "Please leave me alone." Or more appropriately, "Caution... This is one crazy lady."

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that most of the time these moods come when I'm really tired. Or superstressed. Or maybe a combination of both. It's times like that when I really just need to take off to a deserted island... not so much for myself, but for everyone who I come into contact with. So easily annoyed by large crowds and noise and the people who drive slow in front of me, for questions and small talk and just. being. nice. Although if I feel like this, I'm really not nice at all, right?

Ahhh... but as I writing this rant, one word comes to mind. Grace. Not like amazing grace that saved me, although that part is true, too. But grace... giving grace. To others. Being graceful and patient and forgiving and forbearing. On days like today, when my nerves are grating and I just feel like screaming (even though I have no clue why I feel like this. It's not really been a bad day. I seriously think I need to look into some antidepressants...) it is so hard to practice grace...

But back to the amazing grace that saved me, and continues to cover me. See, God loves me regardless of how crappy my attitude is. That's not saying He likes my bad attitude... but He has this thing called unconditional love. Love is WHO HE IS... So He can't not love. And even on my crazy, antisocial, hypocritical days... He loves me. And in this love, He's changing me. Helping me see that this isn't the right attitude to have. See, before, I'd be pretending everything was ok, and seething on the inside, but not really caring that I was seething. Now, I don't like it when I'm in these moods, and really do worry on how I affect others. Not because I care about what others think of me, because I'm slowly growing out of that, but because I care about other seeing Christ in me. And if I'm full of this negative attitude, they can't see the Son...

Lord, help me get out from this nasty storm cloud. Help me focus on You and Your goodness. I know I don't deserve it... but You love me anyway. Amen and amen.