I almost forgot today was Tuesday.
Yesterday was the perfect Labor Day, other than I did have to work some on an exam... and I have my first quiz in Advanced Assessment this week, and a quiz in Advanced Pharmacology next week, and I feel so behind...
but I left it all at the house and went hiking at the Gorge with my best boys and Ellie. It had been far too long since I had stood under a blue sky gazing at a vast overlook... at least vast for these parts... and I was reminded why so many say that it's easier to breathe in the wide open. I question why I allow myself to go so long without it.
When I went to bed last night I had good intentions. I knew I'd have a meeting and I wouldn't get to exercise in the evening, so I set my alarm to get up early in the morning.
And then I reset it when I got up at 5 to go to the bathroom.
And then hit the snooze button.
I started the day with good intentions... but somehow they didn't stay that way.
As I've reflected all day about my life, I am thankful for the blessings I have, but I also know for whatever reason I am still struggling. This is a season of discontent. It's been that way for a while now, and the harder that I strive, the more uncomfortable I feel in my own skin. I feel like I'm shouting at the sky sometimes, but the truth is, I have stopped even whispering.
None of this makes logical sense... except that it is all about what you put in, what you feed yourself, and for far too long my diet has been social media crap.
Excuse my language... but I've realized that the nastiness affects me.
It has made me question my faith. It has made me question who I am and what I believe. I see the posts that some people callously make, and I hope that they aren't the only Jesus somebody sees... and then I realize that the same could probably be said for myself.
I don't profess to have all the answers, but I also know that we are each put on this earth for a purpose. I've not figured out exactly what mine is... but I think it has to do with words. I feel in my heart that I'm a writer, and that God means for me to write... but I keep on saying "yes" to things I have no business saying yes to.
And that makes me ask what I want to say yes to...
Yes to spending more time with the most important people.
Yes to fostering real life friendships (I need some help with this one!)
Yes to taking care of myself (my blood pressure was up everytime a student took it today during physical assessment. I weigh more now than I ever have... and some of it is physical weight.)
Yes to doing things that I enjoy.
I want to start saying no to things that make me feel inferior, things that I feel like I "should" do for whatever reason.
I started asking myself today "What do you know that is true?" in preparation for a sappy facebook post and I realized that honestly, I don't know much that is true.
Our society feels like one fat lie.
I know that God is truth, but honestly what I'm seeing out of some people in His church doesn't feel like truth to me, and that's a huge struggle for me right now.
I do know that He says if we seek Him, He shall be found. I just think maybe that for the last few years, I've been seeking Him in the wrong way.
Seeking Him by trying to prove how good I am.
Seeking Him by reading the Bible to just get through it.
And, if I'm honest, I've been seeking Him after I've been seeking everything else.
So... as I begin this next year of Lauren's story, I'm recommitting... again.
I'll still get it wrong. I'll still miss the point. I'll still be selfish. I'll still hit the snooze button...
but I'm learning that no mater what I do, I can't be perfect, and that's ok.
There is truth in being who you are, all the glorious mess...
So, happy birthday to me.
Sorry this tidbit was a little heavier than normal. Thanks for being there to help me process through.
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